


The disappearence of Alec

by Humanity_Strongest_001, Levi__Acker_Gay



Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Punishment, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24145561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humanity_Strongest_001/pseuds/Humanity_Strongest_001, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi__Acker_Gay/pseuds/Levi__Acker_Gay
Summary: Alec had failed his siblings, again. He had to be punished.
Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742491
Comments: 12
Kudos: 55





	The disappearence of Alec

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts), [MoonlightBreeze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/gifts).



> Talks of self harm and abuse.  
> If you don't like this, don't read it.
> 
> Gifted to Nadja_Lee and PhoenixStar73 for being such amazing writers, and showing me support and friendship in this terrible lockdown.

Alec had messed up. Had gotten the people he loved hurt. He had failed them, again. And he was not going to be punished for it. His parents were not here, off working in Idris. They didn't know of his shortcomings. His failure as protector, older brother, parabatai. So, he had decided that he would punish himself.

He had locked himself away in his office-he was acting head of the Institute, as his parent's were not here- and completed the paperwork for their mission. He had refused an iratze from his sister and his parabatai, wanting to feel the pain of the injuries he had aquired during the hunt. However it had not been enough, he needed more if it was to be a suitable punishment.

He sat in the high-backed chair behind the desk, the place his parents usually sat. He would sit opposite them when they chastised him, on the other side of the desk, feeling weak and vulnerable. It was like a power switch, he thought: him sitting in their place, as if he were about to give orders, or punish someone (himself), or his parents. But that was impossible. His parents weren't here, far away in Idris, and they didn't make mistakes: they couldn't risk it with being ex-circle members. They acted perfect, unlike him.  
They couldn't do anything to the clave, so they directed their anger towards their least favourite child, their eldest: who by all means should have been their best warriour, but in actual fact wasn't.

He sat in the place his mother and father would sit, the place where they would scold him for his weakness. Deliver his punishments to him. He usually had no need to punish himself, not while his parents would do such a good job. But sometimes he would slip up, or make the people he cared about angry or upset, leading them to ignoring him, or hate him.

He hated that. He hated failing them. So he would hurt himself. More than what his parents would deliver, or spend his time trying to appease those he hurt; by doing whatever they ask of him.They would usually forgive him after a couple of days. However the most had almost been two weeks. Two weeks isolation from his siblings. But he had done something dispicable. To Clary. She had forgiven him after a couple of days when she saw how the guilt tore at him, how the guilt destroyed him. Tha blank look in his eyes had scared her. But Jace and Izzy had refused to speak, to aknowledge him. Simon had never really talked to him in the first place, but he seemed to be purposefully cruel.

However, after the two weeks, when the had forgiven him, he swore it would make it up to Clary. To all of them.

He had been in his office for three hours, just sitting at the desk. He had finished his work around an hour ago. His stomach growled, but he ignored it. Welcoming the empty feeling, and the pain from the scratches of the demon. However it had still not been enough. He had needed more, so he had dug his blunt nails into the flesh, but it had not helped in the way he needed it to. He was used to pain. Emotional and physical. It had come from bothparents, and from himself, whenever he had failed, or not been good enough. Which had been an abundance of times.

He decided then to pull out a blade from his desk. He chose a 6 inch dagger with a bone hilt. Now to decide where, he thought. Nothing too obvious, otherwise Izzy or Jace might notice. And they would definately be angry. His parents were not here, so that was not a worry for Alec at the moment, neither would they care if they did find out. If they did, he would probably be punishe, so nothing new. Thighs would be a good place, he thought. He nodded to himmself, a small smile playing on his lips, thighs were a good choice too.

He stood from his chair, and unbuckled his belt. He unbuttoned and pulled down his trousers with shaky hands. He took a couple of deep breaths, the hunt before flashing through his mind. How Izzy was tossed like a rag doll across the alley, the way her head had struck the wall. He had froze, leaving Jace to dispatch the remaining demons, and help their sister. Anger surged through Alec, anger directed at himself. He had let them get hurt. He had been distracted, it should have been him he thought.

His breathing calmed, and he pressed the sharp, cold blade to the flesh of his left thigh. Not hard enought to draw blood though. He gripped the dagger tightly, his knucles turning white.

He was numb, empty inside and life just seems pointless to him. He felt compleatly dead inside.

But he need to feel somthing, it is too much to bare, he thought, guilt corsing through his veins. He had tried to let it all out and cry but the tears just won't come. So he gave up all hope again, he should stop he thought. So instead of drops of clear salty liquid falling from his eyes that land on the cold unforging floor of this dark lonely place. Where beatings were a usual occurence when his parents were around. Instead drops of deep red liquid fall from deep cuts in his thigh. Cuts he did not notice straightaway.

The pain was distant, more like a dull throbbing. Like feeling Jace's pain through the parabatai bond, however the pain was his own. He barely remembered to close the bond from Jace, closing it know, when it was too late. Alec prayed to the angel that Jace was busy with Clary, like he usually was, and would not notice the hate rolling of Alec in waves, and seeping throught the bond.

Alec paused, and focused on the bond. He breathed a sigh of relief when all he felt was happiness. His prayer had been answered, Jace was too distracted. However there was a sudden flash of anger through him, this time directed at Jace. They were parabatai, but Jace acted like they weren't. As if the short red-haired girl that had smashed into their lives, uprooting everything Alec had ordered, was more important then family. Mpre important then his parabatai.

Alec dug the blade deeper into his flesh at the thought. He was such a bad parabatai, he thought, thinking Jace didn't care about Izzy and him, when he clearly did. Jace had saved Isabelle when Alec had failed. He didn't deserve such a caring parabatai, and Jace didn't deserve such a useless one.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and kudos if you liked  
> And if you want to read more, read my other ff's.  
> Thanks for reading  
> If there are any mistakes, please correct me in the comments below.


End file.
